You can't start something beautiful without having an end to begin at.

Have you ever looked at a place and realized the tragedy of it?  A place that held the essence of the end of a life that was in summation tragic but most assuredly necessary.  I looked and actually saw the end of my own life to this point, of being dumb and making awful decisions and mistakes that ultimately led to wonderful things.  In life all decisions are our own and life is tragedy, but it is also hope and beauty, or rather, that tragedy prepares us, helps us see, and sets the stage for the hope and beauty that life is.  We need to go through these bad decisions and times to get to happiness, to understand.  Mine started as a teen and I held on thinking I knew and understood life and what happiness and sadness were all about, and yeah I had happy times and even a wonderful time or two and thought I knew what was important, and for the most part I think I got that right.  But not completely because I hadn't had enough experience to know that what I thought about life and love wasn't exactly right.  But would you like to know what the conclusion I came to is, or was?  The day we die we won't understand completely, and what matters in life is the small things, the person you are meant to share your tragedy and more importantly hope and beauty with will fulfil you in the smallest ways, in ways you never thought possible, and that is bigger and greater than the largest proclamation of love and devotion there is.  Life you see is about people, not money, not items, not places.  There will always be a way to get money, even if things are tight you will find a way.  Items are quickly forgotten, and new ones bought.  Places come and go around you and every day are different.  People are what is important, they are dynamic and ever changing but always there and always that human interaction is needed.  More importantly though, it is not just people, but the person with whom you share your wonders.  The person who by some miraculous happenstance is the part of you that you have been missing since you came to be, that you love in a way you never knew was possible and never have loved before.  The person you need and crave.  The one you will sit with in old age, and can imagine and see yourself sitting with now in your youth (and yes no matter how old you are if you have that person you will understand that you are still in your youth), and still have the spark of excitement even if it's just about curling up with them in the bed, on the couch, or sipping hot coffee with them on the porch in the morning all wrinkled and grey.  I saw the tragedy that led to where I am and where there was sadness and the ping of failure and regret there was a smile of contentment, of putting everything in its little box to be stored away on its shelf, stepping stones in learning about life and what matters, but more importantly I saw the foundation of a new beginning.  The beginning of whatever will be and the love for a woman that I never knew was possible and the need I've never had before.  

I meant to post this months ago and I don't guess it went up.  But I still think this is important and for some might just be what they need right now.  So here it is.

A beautiful thing

So I saw an amazing thing today.  A man, obviously a transient and homeless, unshaven, mismatched barely appropriate clothing, and shoeless.  Gingerly he made his way across scorching hot concrete to find some shade to stand in, created by a business's awning.  I'm not sure what he was in search of other than shaded concrete, but his reasons, I reckon, are moot.  This in and of itself is not in the least amazing, there are countless poor souls whom for whatever reason and in whatever walk of life, share this mans predicament.  The amazing thing, the wonderful thing, is the conversation and ensuing action.  See I was riding in the passenger seat, and Christie was driving.

Christie: "That man has no shoes."

Me:"No ma'am"

Christie:"That concrete is HOT"

Me:"Yeah it has to be burning his feet"

Christie:"He needs shoes"

Not a joke, not a glib comment, just the completely logical previously transcribed conversation and observation, followed by a right turn, then another right, and finally another right turn, to find where this man was seen walking.  Pulling into the parking lot, the window was rolled down, followed by the question, 

"Do you not have any shoes?"

And the simple response,

"No"

"What size do you wear?"

"Uh nine"

And she pulled the shoes off of her feet with the justification that her shoes were a nine and she needed to replace them anyway, but at least it would keep him from walking barefooted across the concrete.  This is why I love this woman.  No expectation of return, or gratitude, or recognition.  She saw someone she could help, and did.  In life I think we need to find people, people who improve us just by being themselves, people who make us want to be better ourselves, and give us drive and help to return our shaken faith in humanity and love for fellow man.  This is how as a species, we have survived.

Triumph

Reminiscent of the great Roman Triumphs, the return of the glorious victors of prominent wars and battles.  With the populace lining the streets rejoicing and reveling in the heroic return of battle hardened triumphant soldiers, banners and laurel wreaths flew, and flowers were thrown, honoring the victors.  

Today was not so joyous, the return was not a happy one, it was subdued, for the loss of one of the communities own was sorely felt by many.   But the honors for this brave soldiers return, and his funerary procession was no less great than a Roman Triumph in its own right.  I saw today people of many walks of life, standing in the heat waiting.  Waiting for the moment his body, encapsulated in his final resting bed and draped with the colors of the nation he proudly served and gave his life for, to pass by.  Just so that they may honor him and his bravery, with something as simple as a flag flown proudly and snapping in the breeze, a symbol of our nation and the freedom that we have, and he fought and died for.  The care for fellow man to take time out of their busy lives to line the streets in this simple mans honor.  Regardless of the circumstances, or who and what he was, he was still willing to lay down his life for us and did.  Small things such as these give me a boost in my faith in humanity, that people can feel and understand such an acute loss of a man most of them had probably never met.  God bless the people of this nation, and God bless Sgt. Anthony R. Maddox.  He may not have died in combat but he did die serving us, and dedicated his life to preserving our freedom, thank you sir.

Unsure

I want to write a book.  I know physically and intellectually I am perfectly capable.  The question though, is if it would be entertaining, and if people would read it.  I think I am a decent story teller, but have a monotone voice, other than that I believe I can create a rich landscape with language and writing.  Writing is something that has always been interesting and I have off and on written or started stories, but have either lost interest, been too self critical, or came against a road block and forgot the story even existed or was started, and where I wanted to go with it.  So any ideas, any thoughts, would anyone like to see what kind of story I can weave, and what would people like to read?  What is anyone who reads this, interested in reading?  I would like to write something others will enjoy, so any input would be greatly appreciated.  Unfortunately reading is kind of a lost past time but I figure if you are willing to read a blog then you probably enjoy reading, so the request won't be lost on you.

Failures

Being honest about your failures and fuck ups, the things that you have to face yourself with, is enough to drive your insecurity through the roof and want, I dunno, acceptance I guess.  To add to that, giving the person you love a reason out is pretty horrifically painful, all you can do is sit, wait, and hope the good aspects of you are enough to outweigh the failures in your past, and are enough to make it worth trusting and loving you.

What to remember...

While doing an audio lecture today over disaster response, part of the considerations it lists for structure collapse and earthquake is the dust produced by buildings as the concrete pulverizes in the collapse.  Being a paramedic and a firefighter of my age and tenure this invariably brought to mind September 11, 2001.  Remember the 343 and remember 9/11 are the rally calls for this date in history.  Because that is how many firefighters died in the attempt to rescue as many as possible on that day, before the towers collapsed.  The fact of the matter is, on that day, a great many more brave souls perished, and not just firefighters medics and police officers, but brave men and women who recognized the need to help the overwhelmed first responders.  To add to that is the number of men and women who died in the coming days, months, and years from the dust, created by the collapsing buildings that was inhaled.  And this includes all as well, not just 343.  Thousands died as a result of that tragic day.  But what do you remember?  When you say remember 9/11 or the 343?   I wonder what firefighters and medics and cops are remembering when they champion their stickers and banners and flags.  Please, don't get me wrong the day should be remembered, but what should we remember?  Should we remember how the nation was polarized and brought together as one for a few months, or should we remember the anger, or the fear, or the massive senseless loss of life, or maybe that we were attacked, how about that responders died?  I don't think that these things are what we should remember.  What I chose to remember when I think of 9/11 or 343 is the love and compassion and bravery of ALL that perished in the attempt to save just one more life, and the bravery and courage it took to look up at those smoking, crumbling towers and think "Oh my god this is bad, we have to get those people out."  Before running in and up those stairs.  I don't want to remember the terrorist.  I don't want to remember the death.  I don't want to remember the anger or fear.  That gives those evil men's actions strength, that lets them win. 

I want to remember the unconditional love of fellow man, of all walks, that bred the courage necessary to be willing to risk and give up everything.

Nuance

It's the small things that are important in life.  The things people rarely notice.  Holding a hand, losing a little bit of sleep, wanting nothing more in life than to spend a little bit of time with them, a small gift because you think of them constantly and they make you smile and make your stomach dance when they smile at you.  Because doing something that you expect no notice of, with no expectation of return, will always show how you feel.  Anyone can make a large gesture to show how they "feel", in the end it shows nothing but what they want to be seen.  In action lies truth.  This is where I strive to live, in the nuance of actions.  The novel that creates is far greater than the story a large gesture tells.  I hope my gestures are noticed but all I can do is continue in the smallest ways to show my love, and to remind the one that I have given that massive piece of me to, that they are loved with the weak words I have,  backed by the strength of what I do.  That is all I know how to do, and hope that that is enough to assuage the fear.

Introductions...

Pretty excited about having a blog.  It took me almost two days to decide what I would post first.  I don't know much about computers or technology or any of the like because I jumped off that train car in pursuit of other things I felt were more useful quite some time ago.  But being as opinionated as I am and going on rants and philosophical musings as frequently as I do, I've been wanting a medium that some might actually read because they want to.  What can be found here are the above mentioned rants, raves, opinions and philosophical musings, as well as short stories I may pen, or poems I may compose, and pretty much anything else that takes my fancy and that I appreciate.  If it is not an original I will surely give credit where due.   I find it highly unlikely many people other than those I know will read this but that is ok, it still gets my thoughts and opinions out there for those who might be of a like mind.  It also keeps them from being lost to the rapid fire, wide wonderful world of social media and the five minute attention span that it creates.  Where things like Facebook and Twitter and whatnot have their place, some of the thoughts I take seriously and have to present, I would prefer not to show up in the same news feed as candy crush, scantily clad women, and jokes made in poor taste.  That being said, welcome to my crazed little world of alternate views where I can play the devils advocate and gods champion all at the same time.  A little about me, I am Junior.  You will figure out the rest if you can follow along.